I'm getting better

I had breakfast=yogurt (80) and banana (100) and this meal was mandatory for my parents...
I had diet coke for lunch (0 basically)
candy was sitting in front of me after school for 3 hours so i had 3 pieces (70)
Dinner=steak (300-400) and green beans (50) and then a skinny cow fudge bar (100) all mandatory...
TOTAL=800

i'm pretty proud. the only thing i ate that i didn't have to was the candy. But that's still not good. I'm gonna maintain like this or GAIN :( and i got no exercise. :((( i need to find a way to lower my calories!!!
tomorrow i'm gonna wake up earlier so i'm not rushing out the door where my parents grab me a high cal breakfast. i'm gonna have an 80 cal yogurt and thats it. then for lunch.. school gets out early. and every friday me and my friends drive out to lunch. maybe i'll ask if we can go to starbucks. yummy and it'll ease cravings :) then my friend is coming over. shes the one who doesn't eat much so she'll prob say "no thanks" whenever my mom offers which mean i won't eat that either. so MAYBE no dinner? hopefully! and we always sleep in until 11 or 12. so no breakfast! :) then she leaves and i go straight to an acting seminar (i want to start acting and stuff! going with my friend :) ) and thats at 2pm til like 5 i think. so no lunch! or if i do cause my rents make me, i'll make a sammich. we have this really low cal bread (80 for 2 slices) and low cal turkey lunch meat=100 cal sammich :)
ahh hope it works out! wish me luck! :)

whoopss

so for my daily total for yesterday i messed up! :P my greeat math skills. i knew it was more! actually 950, not 850 :( i got so excited!:(

I don't feel hunger.

i just don't. i can't anymore. whenever i eat its because of a craving, it's not even hunger anymore.
i also don't really think about food much anymore. well still more than normal people but not as much as i used to. i just kinda don't eat (or eat less than normal people). I don't have to think about it anymore. it's just a habit of mine now.
today i did okay... breakfast-oatmeal (for parents)=150
lunch-pineapple=120
snack-laffy taffy=30
dinner- (went to sushi place with dad) spinach with soy sauce=50; tempura (2 potato slices, 2 asparagus, 3 cucumber, 1 broccoli, and 2 shrimp)=GUESS---> 600.
TOTAL=850..
wow.. really? i thought it was like 1100 just thinking about all i ate... sooo weird. i feel so full. cause i ate so little, then at dinner had lotsss (And frieddd) it was SOOO good :)
it's good. cause yesterday i had lunch at a sammich  place with friends=900 (i'm guessing? turkey and lettuce on wheat bread? but it was HUGE) and dinner with grandparents- pizza=500; apple=100, frozen yogurt=100..... TOTAL=1600... tooooo much!
sunday=1100 pretty good.. or normal/average/okay. :)
saturday= 1000. pretttty good :)
then friday i had 1600... but that's okay i guess :)

so when i met with the doctor she told me to weigh myself once a week. my parents would do it with me... they forgot today!!! i hope they don't remember :) haven't weighed myself without clothes on in a long time. haven't weighed myself at all since saturday. i think it said 95 or 96? don't remember. wait, i did weigh myself last night after my binge and with clothes on plus uggs. i think it said 97 or 98??? stilll don't remember so that doesn't help me. the only scale is in my parents room so that doesn't help.... but that's okay. my tummy looked good monday morning :)

why is it that whenever we actually do eat like more than 500... our stomachs grow SOOO much???? :(

they ACTUALLY haven't mentioned anything

yuup! you read right! NOT A WORD.
and i doubt they're suspicious.. well maybe suspicious but i doubt they know cause thursday they left me HOME ALONE, just the DAY AFTER. and they told me to take the dog on a WALK. it ended up being a 80 minute walk! YEES! so thursday ended up being 1400. well 1350 but mostly rounding up just in case. then friday (yesterday) i had 1650 :( i had pineapple for breakfast (100) but that wasn't enough for my mom so i had yogurt (80). then at break for some reason i was super hungry so i got a low cal protein bar (90). then after school (we got out early, at 1:00) so i went out to lunch with some friends.. we went to chili's... at least this time we only got chips as an appetizer and didn't split everything and no dessert! last time, i had 1400!!! so this time i did pretty good :) around 20 chips (give or take 3 chips) and i said 300 calories for that.. not exactly sure. then i got a KIDS MEAL! :D i didn't want to get plain grilled chicken cause they were all getting fatty food and it'd be obvi so i got a grilled chicken SAMMICH. just the same thing between bread! and a side of BROCCOLI! :) so the chicken was 140, and i said the bread was 280. then they got some candy, i had half of one of those things (120). then i got back to school and there's this bowl of candy i was sitting by so i got an apple at the store next door instead (70) then someone gave me one of the lollipops so i ate it (70). then i went shopping with my mom. we stayed in the store for THREE HOURS! hahaha! i'll tell you what i got later, but we went from 5pm to 8pm. so that prob burned calories :) then we got frozen yogurt at this place that has REALLY low cal fro yo. and this was our dinner! :) cause norm our dinner is reaally high cal. but they had this really low cal one (60 cals per cup; and a small is 2-3 cups) but they were out so i got the second low cal one which turned out to be REALLY GOOD!!!!! (100 cals per cup) so it's between 200-300 cals. then i also had some pineapple before bed (80). :D

it's 10am, im in bed. home alone til 4! i weighed myself 94 :) tuesday morn i was 96 :D i've been in the range between 94-96 since like... the end of september!!! and its cause a few days i'll barely eat then a few days i'll over eat so it's back and forth. but no more over 2000! i CAN'T

decent november. thin thanksgiving. skinny december. perfect january :) we can only hope

i'm scared

yesterday morning i wrote all over my stomach FAT.

yesterday evening i was just about to leave for zumba and was talking to my mom about how the doctor said i had to be healthy, and how that didn't mean that i could eat a smoothie then pasta for dinner (that's what we had) and how my tummy was big... then i lifted up my shirt to show her then quickly pulled it down but not before she saw. "what's on your stomach?" she lifted up my shirt and saw the word FAT written hugely across my stomach. i told her it was because after dinner i felt disgusting and huge. but that was just like blah blah blah to her. i missed zumba, we talked for an hour then i went to the "bathroom" and just wiped it all off. then i sat in my bed, cried and listened. i could hear my mom and my dad whispering. "psss pss psss.... she did what? ... pss psss pssss... and she knows that too... ps pss psss.... now that's crossing the line.... " then i just stopped listening and tried to drown out the noise by watching friends... i'm scared. i'm SO scared. i don't have school today. i'm home alone. you would think i'd be exercising and not eating... but i'm numb. i'm lying here on the internet. eating cereal. watching friends. i'm numb. i don't know what to do.

i always wondered.....

 if i didn't have this mind of constantly thinking about food.. would i be thin? PROBABLY. because then if i wasn't thinking about food.. i wouldn't cave it... this world is messed up. 

WHY ME?????? why can't i be like my best friend?????? 5'6... 103 pounds... shes trying to gain weight and eats a lot and CAN'T GAIN! fine i'll give her 20 pounds of my fat. maybe then i'll be good enough. maybe then i'll be beautiful. but who knows? maybe i'll never be skinny enough. or maybe i will...

or maybe one day i'll wake up and realize that i don't have to be skinny to be beautiful.... HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA

can i do anything right?????

no. i can't. i'm disgusting. i'm fat. gross. ugly. DISGUSTING

gross! i had like 1600 or 1700 calories! probably 1700, i'm just that much of a pig. i thought today i would be able to CONTROL MYSELF! but NOOOO!
breakfast-pineapple ( 120) negative calories so good start....
snack- so.. at school theres this bowl of candy they put out. my schools small like 60 kids so its alwayysss full.. so i snack on that. or at least i did today! :( laffy taffy (30) crunch bar (50) some apple slices (40?) another laffy taffy (30) and ANOTHER crunch bar (50)
lunch- a small apple (80ish)
after school snack- we went to go pick up my cousin.. we went to frozen yogurt (250) then we went to her house to drop her off. they "offered" aka forced me to have some of this peanut butter treat. (IDK! 300 probably???? :((( )
dinner-canned veggies (120) this lean cuisine frozen meal (160) some pumpkin seeds i snacked on while waiting for the frozen meal to finish cooking :( (200????) some chili my rents made and was like "Want any???" "no" "just a little?" "no thanks" " okay just try it" they gave me like a FULL CUP just to TRY it????????? (250??)

so my day was FUCKING FANTASTIC
saw my therapist today. borringgg. my rents had talked to her about my doctors appt earlier. sooo shes happy.. i get to see her next week. YAAAYY............ no.

i hate those skinny girls. they don't even have to try!

some of my favorite low cal foods

crushed ice/freezing water - 0 cals.. plus burns 70 cals just trying to heat your body up after you drink a cold glass :)
sugar free jell-o - 10 cals per container :)
laughing cow cheese-35 cals
skinny cow ice cream fudge bar-100
fat free hot chocolate-20 :D
rice cake-35
pickles- 5 calories for 2, depends on brand
black coffee-5 calories a cup im pretty sure?
diet coke-almost zero
diet snapple-same as diet coke! :)
and of course fruits and veggies!
apples-100 (depending on size) THOSE ARE MY FAV! :)

i'm SO happy i went to the doctors!

so i went to the doctors. they weighed me (just had glasses and glasses of water and diet coke and 2 slices of bread and a little bit of yogurt and granola) 97 pounds :) also hadn't uhhmm.... "gone" for a few days after i had the 1800 cal binge sat and 2500 cal binge yesterday :) so she made another appt 3-4 weeks from now. i told her i started counting cals in january (trueish.. a little longer than that) and stopped from august to sept. then my rents weighed me and i had lost 5 pounds. so i started counting again to make sure i was eating enough. she told me i shouldn't be counting calories but i should be eating a lot, around 2200 calories a day. and she told me that until we meet again i should not count calories, but to make sure im eating enough, i should weigh myself once a week. so basically of course im gonna continue counting and eating small. im gonna aim for 800-1200. at the MOST. and im gonna keep losing "by accident" so when i go next and i've lost weight ill just be like "i don't know! im not counting cals! just eating!" do there will be an excuse.
and also before that we were talking about healthy weights and apparently "im at the perfect weight" and if i got to 90 they'd be really worried and 85 is hospitalization. and 85 is my UGW.
i'm aiming for at least 90 by my next appt. and i'll just be like "i didn't realize i was losing! i wasn't counting calories!
so i can still lose and be innocent!!! YEESSSS!!!! <3<3<3